Stereotypes about murder...

When you think about murder, what are the words and images that come to your mind:

...horror, death, tragedy, blood, crime scenes, attacks, weapons, strangers...

How many of us picture being assaulted by a masked stranger? Shot in an armed robbery? Attacked by a mugger in a dark alley?

Sadly, these are not the most common types of murder. According to statistics from the Bureau of Justice, the victim and offender were strangers in only 14 percent of all murders between 1976 and 2005. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. Only 14 percent.

It is actually far more common to be murdered by someone you know. More than half of all murders are committed by a spouse, family member, or aquaintance.

The victim/offender relationship is undetermined in more than one-third of homicides.

What could be more comforting than this?

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 14, Verses 1-4

thoughts for the day

With Kelly-Anne's murder nearly seven years ago now, I sometimes find a day or two goes by where I don't think about what happened. That is such an awesome feeling, especially when this heinous act was at the forefront of my mind for so many years. I think about Kelly-Anne all the time, but I don't dwell as much on her murder as I used to. Instead, I find myself remembering funny times, laughing at something that would have amused Kelly-Anne, or even thinking about what she's doing in heaven.

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That's not to say I don't miss her. The reality is that I miss her all the time. My life isn't as rich or full without my dear friend Kelly-Anne in it. It's just not the same.

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April brings National Crime Victims' Rights Week in the United States. I saw an advertisement for the program on a city bus the other week (of all places) and couldn't help but look into it. You can click on the link to their website here. Not sure whether some of this is all that valuable, but I do like the idea of the awards.

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It is true, of course, that murder is a tricky crime because the victim is no longer with us to advocate on his or her own behalf. That unenviable task is left to the victim's loved ones. As W.H. Auden once said:

"Murder is unique in that it abolishes the party it injures, so that society has to take the place of the victim and on his behalf demand atonement or grant forgiveness; it is the one crime in which society has a direct interest."

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That's all I've got for today. What's on your mind?

A very moving eulogy

My dear friend, Grace Vuoto, has posted online the eulogy she delivered at her mother's funeral in January 2008. I would encourage you to go and read it by clicking here. It is a very powerful testament to a live well lived and an enduring legacy of faith.

The Liberal View of Crime & Punishment

Here's a somewhat light hearted look at the various arguments about criminals, victims, etc.

Kelly-Anne's mail...

What happens when you recieve an invitation addressed to your late daughter nearly seven years after her death? Hope on over to Doreen's blog to read this pretty cool story about a movie Kelly-Anne worked as an assistant on back in 2003 that has finally been made.

You can also watch the trailer for the film on YouTube.

I could not have said this better...

“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.” ~ Elizabeth Edwards

Thirty One

31 People/Places/Things that Remind me of Kell

1) Curly hair
2) Lifeguards
3) Bon Jovi
4) Concordia University
5) Thorndale Pool
6) Cedar Drive
7) Ashley MacIssac
8) The Olympics
9) Great Big Sea
10) Adventuring
11) Greendale Elementary School
12) Saint Anne de Bellevue
13) People who laugh a lot
14) Dwayne and Marmaduke
15) Rugby
16) Smurfs
17) Friends rumaging through my pantry
18) Dirty Dancing
19) Handcrafted greeting cards
20) Driving through the park
21) San Diego
22) Rum balls
23) New Year's Eve
24) People who talk with their hands
25) Irish Pubs
26) Plattsburgh
27) Bryan Adams
28) Synchronized Swimming
29) The Babysitter's Club and Sweet Valley High
30) Canada Day in Ottawa
31) Waterpolo

On the occasion of Kelly-Anne's 31st birthday, here is a list of things that remind me of her. Happy birthday, dear friend!

Kim speaks to The Gazette about her sister

Check out this great interview Kimmy did with The Gazette about the loss of Kelly-Anne.

http://www.montrealgazette.com/Video+Sister+Keeper/3825468/story.html

Special Birthday

They say the years pass by fast as you get older. When I was a child, for example, the schoolyear seemed to take forever. As I've aged, a year can fly by in a blink of an eye. It is seriously hard to believe that Kimmy is celebrating such a big birthday this year. Seems like just yesterday that she was an adorable elementary school student. Given that you only have a milestone birthday such as this once in life, I wanted to post a birthday tribute to Kimberly Drummond, Kelly-Anne's little sister.

Kimmy is fiercly independant--but she's also very loyal. She has a "can do" spirit and a good heart. She is adventerous and loves to travel. Unlike her big sister and me, she's actually been to Australia and Europe, and has lived and worked in many different parts of Canada.

Kimmy loves beer, boys, barbeque, and icecream. (Sometimes in that order!) Kimmy is also passionate about her family and her cats. She loves them beyond measure.

She loves all kinds of physical excercise--she plays squash, swims, lifeguards, and much more. She is strong. Intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Kimmy has had to endure more than her fair share of struggles in life. Like many of us, she's had very high ups, but she's also had very low lows. She lost her best friend and big sister but has carried herself through this grief with
more grace and strength than most of could have if we were in her shoes. And she hasn't let that grief and loss define her, either.

Kimmy has so much to offer the world--more than she gives herself credit for at times. She's kind, compassionate, beautiful, intelligent, empathetic, and self-reliant. She has a heart for children with special needs, and works tirelessley to help them realize their potential.

So, join me in wishing Kimmy a happy birthday on this first day of a new decade in her life. Cheers to it being her best one yet!

A letter I wrote to Kell on August 28, 2000

Monday, August 28, 2000

Dear Kelly-Anne,

I thought it might be fun to send you some mail using good old Canada Post. How are you? I am doing fine, I am at work today, and I am typing this letter using a very neat typewriter whcih means it is a lot more difficult because I can't delete anything once it is down on the page.

Kelly-Anne, I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your amazing friendship. I am so pleased to be able to call you my best friend. You have been here for me since I was a little girl and I value that deeply. I can not tell you how much it means to me to have you aroudn. I know that I can always call you or see you and I can tell you anything at all. Thank you, Kell. I love you so much.

You and Kimmy are like the sisters I never had and that is invaluable. I know that we will be friends forever and my children will call you Auntie Kell.

Kelly-Anne, you are a very special and talented young woman. You are smart, beautiful, athletic, caring, kind, compassionate, friendly, funny, and so much more. You are very blessed. I know you will make an excellent mother one day.

Kell, I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be there for you. You are my best firend and you always will be. I can't wait to see how the rest of our lives turn out but I know we will both be successful and happy people. Kell, have a great day and smile because you are a wonderful person and you are very much loved.

Love you always,
Rachel

This letter makes me SO sad. It makes me sad that Kell's journey was cut short. That she never got to accomplish all the things she wanted to in life. But it also makes me happy that at least I took the time (although not nearly often enough!) to tell Kell what a great friend she was.

The ways people have helped me...

I've experienced the full range of human emotion from others since Kelly-Anne died. I've seen it all--the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. Here are some of the kindest, sweetest, most loving gestures I've experienced since Kell died.

--When I returned to work (a job I had held for only 2 months) after Kelly-Anne died, my boss at the time had a lovely vase of flowers with a short note waiting for me. She was an incredibly reserved, understated woman. But she made sure I knew she was thinking of me and that she was deeply touched by this experience.

--There were a couple of friends of mine who--despite being at far distance--made it clear that they wanted to support me and that they would do anything that was necessary. I can vividly remember one friend, in particular, who would listen for HOURS at a time to me talk on the phone about Kelly-Anne as I tried to work through my grief.

--My parents--who knew Kelly-Anne for just as long as I did--returned with me to Washington after her funeral and helped me get back into a routine. I can't remember how long they stayed (I'm pretty sure it must have been a few weeks) but they demonstrated how much they cared by helping me get settled.

--Friends of Kelly-Anne's whom I didn't even know before her death reach out to me all the time. Sometimes they write to tell me a story about Kell or send me a photo. Other times they just mention how much they miss her. I love that! It reminds me how much Kelly-Anne was loved and how she is still missed by more than her family and closest friends.

--One friend at work found out about Kelly-Anne's death and brought me the most amazing bouquet of flowers for my desk on the third anniversary of her death. I was SO touched I couldn't even speak for several minutes after she dropped these off. The gesture was grand and incredibly well timed and it helped carry me through a rough patch.

--My friend, Nic Wright, stayed up with me and my husband basically all night on the evening before Kell's wake to produce the tribute video that we played at the funeral home. It was SO, SO important for us to remember Kell's life, not just the tragic way she died. Nic gave so generously of his time and his equipment to help create a memory that is still one of my most treasured posessions.

--Countless strangers and new friends have happened upon this blog and taken the time to read Kell's story and right a note or comment about how it touched them. It means the world to us to know that Kelly-Anne's memory lives on in people who didnt' even know her when she was alive.

--There have been lots of lasting memorials erected to Kelly-Anne all over the West Island. There is a room with her name on it at the DDO Aquatic Center, a tree planted out front of Greendale school, the Kelly-Anne Drummond memorial cup awarded to either McGill or Concordia after a rugby match, and a marble bench in a park in Pierrefonds, among others. Each of these things gives me a boost when I need it most.

All of the above examples illustrate that there are numerous ways to reach and support a friend--or even a stranger--during a time of trial. It is essential to realize that people going through a crisis need to know they are loved and supported.

Many fear that their words or remarks may upset someone who is grieving so they don't say anything at all. Don't be that person. Know that with or without your words, the person's loved one is never far from their mind or their thoughts. Being the person who ignores the tragedy and constantly changes the subject or clams up if it comes up is very hurtful. Showing you care helps the grief stricken person realize he or she is not alone. And that is invaluable.

A mother's grief

I came across this beautiful poem on Kristy's wondeful website, Waiting for Happy. I encourage you to check it out--she writes about her experience as a young mom of five children, two of whom are already in heaven.

I'm not a mother and I've never lost a child, but I thought this poem was beautiful and it certainly sums up how I feel about Kelly-Anne. I never, ever mind talking about her. In fact, I wish I had more chances to talk about her!

People just don't know what to do when someone has experienced such an enormous loss. I can't tell you how many times someone has looked at me stunned when they find out about Kell and quickly changed the subject to something more comfortable. I know Doreen has experienced this as well.

I'm not suggesting that we should spend all day talking about our grief and loss, but I am suggesting that when it comes up naturally in the course of conversation it is important not to stifle those feelings. Next time you are interacting with someone who has survived a tragedy, remember that they could always use your love and support and that changing the subject and moving on quickly doesn't seem particularly loving.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~

In my next post, I will discuss some of the most lovely gestures that I've experienced since Kelly-Anne died.

Raising a glass

I often get asked how one learns to cope with such epic tragedy. How does life ever get back to normal? The answer is that it doesn't. But you do learn to cope with the new reality of life without your loved one.

One of the best ways I've found of doing that is by doing something your loved one loved. In a small but real way it helps you feel connected. It lifts your spirits to know that you are doing something your friend would have enjoyed.

Tonight I am celebrating a good friend's new job. I had no idea we were going to an Irish Pub. Once I realized what kind of joint it was I couldn't help but smile. Kell would have LOVED this. We've laughed, raised a pint, ate a good meal, and played pub trivia. This would have made her so happy. It has made me happy too.

I will never forget you

There are raindrops falling steadily in Northern Virginia. And for the first time this year there's a chill in the autumn air. I'm wearing cute jeans with even cuter LL Bean flip flops. Kell would approve.

As I watch the clock tick toward 8 o'clock on this most horrid of days, my mind races with thoughts of Kell's last moments. I can't think of anything else even six long years later.

I wonder what how Kell felt on this evening. I hope she never gained enough consciousness to realize what had happened after she was attacked from behind. But I can't help but hope she knew how loved and adored she was...

I know she did. And I think she knows she still is loved and adored by those of us still here.

I will never, ever forget you, Kelly-Anne Drummond. Thank you for 20 years of laughter, smiles, crazy antics, joy, high school drama, neighborhood bonding, funny nicknames, unsolicited advice, and endless adventures. You were a class act and I'm lucky to have had you as a best friend and as close to a sister as I'll ever have.